The American Slurpee

My Canadian friends and family are well aware of my love for the Slurpee. Its syrupy, icy goodness, and the ensuing one-two hit of a sugar rush followed by the lethargy of achieving a more reasonable core body temperature is a staple of summer for me.

Although over 30 million slurpees are purchased every year in Canada, and 4 of the top 5 slurpee-selling cities in the world are in Canada, America is the slurpee’s birthplace, 7-Eleven having gloriously brought it into existence in 1967. And if ever there was a land of summer, Texas is it. So it only seemed fitting that I sample the local fare. Strictly in the interests of science, you understand.

I’d been told that slurpees are different in the States... but c’mon, it’s flavored slush. Can’t be that different, right?

Anticipating something reasonably similar to the dense, syrup-drenched ice I so enjoy at home, I selected a tap (Pina Colada), gave it a twist, and braced the plastic cup for impact. When the stuff began to whisper delicately into the bottom of the cup, my arm jerked up from over-correcting for its non-existent weight.

The American Slurpee, it turns out, is a delicate breed. Far more subtle than its Canadian cousin, which in itself is shocking, because in general, love ‘em or hate ‘em, the Yanks aren’t big on subtlety.

It’s light and fluffy. Aerated to a puffy, wispy consistency. It’s like drinking a flavored cloud. Through a straw. While the sugar rush isn’t as intense, and the cool down factor is like having someone gently blow puffy wisps of snow at your sweating-buckets face rather than dragging ice cubes across it, it’s a pretty pleasant experience.

But here’s the real kicker – those suckers are carbonated. Big time. So while you think you are enjoying a delightfully light treat, the minute that “flavored cloud” hits your stomach, it feels like someone hooked a bicycle pump on steroids up to your belly button – from the inside.

While I’ll never turn down a slurpee, and will no doubt drink many more of these pale beverages in my two years here… I have to admit some disappointment. I imagine it’s kind of like switching from espresso to decaf… if the decaf gave you a belly-ache and near-avalanche-inducing burps on the bus ride home.

So, if anyone’s considering putting together a care-package… may I suggest… ?

LONGHORN FACT OF THE DAY: in 2009, Winnipeg was declared the Slurpee Capital of the World, with 7-Elevens in Manitoba selling over 8 000 slurpees a month.